How to Avoid Being a Third Wheel

Disclaimer: This post is full of adolescent angst and activities, which could potentially gross people out. But really, we've all been there.

The title of this blog should actually be, "How to act in situations in which you are a third wheel because it will undoubtedly happen in your life, some more than others." But I thought that was a bit wordy. Honestly, being a bit awkward and third wheelish is something completely unavoidable in life. And if you're me, it happens on a regular basis as three of my best friends all have fairly serious relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've played this role so many times that I've actually become comfortable being the awkward tag along with nobody to hold hands with. It's kind of my forte, and I'm very good at it. Getting a boyfriend now would just break the cycle. Although, this is kind of what I have in mind for future reference...

This is me now. The awkward number of 3 basically just confuses everyone in the room. Regardless of how close you are to both couple participants. 

This is the future, when I meet the love of my life. And then we can go hang out with other couples and it will be one big awesome party. But unfortunately, this is not how life works. Not for me anyway. Again, forgive the sideways-ness. My scanner decided to hate me.

But to help those who are probably not as used to it as I am, I have broken it down into two options. First is to completely ignore the fact that there are people making out on the couch next to you. (This one takes a lot of will power) Second, is to just be so awkward that said couple feels even more awkward than you, thus giving you all the power in the situation. (This one takes a lot of skill, and an ability to make others awkward enough to a point where you don't feel awkward anymore.) Both of these, are going to take a lot of practice.

If you choose to ignore the situation, and just have a good time anyway, you're going to enjoy yourself much more than sulking about your single status. This is only made harder if PDA is involved. So let's say, said couple is making out on the couch next to you. What do you do? You don't want to spoil the intricacies of young love.  But you also don't want to get involved in the groping and spittle that is inevitably coming your way. If you're ignoring it. You think about ANYTHING other than what's going on next to you... whilst subtly scooting to the very edge of the couch without looking conspicuous.

So, here you are, being happy as a clam, thinking of butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns, whilst completely ignoring the dark mass of slurping going on right beside you. 

Now. The key to this option, is AVOID EYE CONTACT! I cannot stress this enough. You can't let them know it bothers you, and more importantly, you can't let YOU know it bothers you, because that's how you get all sad and depressed. Here are some examples of faces that you should NOT make at a couple when you are in this situation.

Face Number 1. The Creeper Face. Unless you want everyone to think your a perverted psycho... do not make this face.

It kind of says "Hey. I wanna play too!" Which is not what you're trying to convey. You're trying to convey subtlety people. SUBTLETY. 

Face Number Two: The Sad Puppy Lonely Pathetic Face. This one will only make you look needy. Needy is unattractive.

Never let them know you're weak!

Face Number Three: The Totally Disgusted, How Is That Even Remotely Sexy Face. This one will label you as asexual and terrified of cooties for like... the next three years.

Even the face kinda makes you wanna vomit doesn't it? 

My only advice to you ,if you choose to ignore the situation is to get a thick skin and learn how to block it out, because you love your friends and, despite some minor jealously, you are really happy that they have each other and are so happy. You can sulk later. When you're alone. But you're going to have to face the world again so get over it.

Now, if you choose a different route, which is being awkward beyond belief, this can be very fun. But you have to make sure that either your friends will still love you regardless of how awkward you are or make them feel, OR you don't care what they think of you, if they decide they don't want you to be near them again, that's their problem.

This tactic is my personal favorite. If you're going to be awkward, ignore everything I said above. Any of those faces are fantastic in an awkward situation. Except you have to stare at them long enough for them to notice you (which could be quite a while if they are really into whatever they're doing), and then hold that gaze even longer so that they get super creeped out. My personal favorite face is number one because it exudes creepy. Eventually they'll realize you're there and will stop shoving tongues down each others throats. (maybe) Let's see that face again shall we?

Picture yourself in their shoes. If somebody was staring at you like this while you were making out with your partner, wouldn't you feel a little weird? That's what I thought.

Another tactic I've used in the past, is asking to join. "Hey. Can I join you guys?" With a totally serious look on your face and in the most mono-toned voice you can muster.  In most cases, this will be enough to make them stop and realize they are being inappropriate... unless you have friends like I do who actually think you joining is an excellent idea... good luck getting out of that one. This one is only for experts because it can easily backfire.

Usually, all a couple needs is to be distracted from one another. So you have to somehow make yourself the center of attention. This could be anything from getting up and dancing like a monkey who just did speed, screaming the most random words you can think of, or ripping off all your clothes. (this last one, again, can easily backfire, so be careful). This tactic, however, is short lived, unless you have enough stamina to dance like a drugged-out primate for hours... because eventually the couple will get bored and go back to their previous activities.

DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!

The last resort is to just make awkward sexual jokes, which I will not repeat here. Most people do not want their sex life advertised (even if they're trying REALLY hard to advertise it on the living room furniture). So bringing it up in a nonchalant way could actually work really well to make them feel awkward... this one is dangerous though because you could either A. Hurt their feelings. or B. Get even more information than you ever needed to know. So again, this one is for the pros.

I realize now that this probably doesn't help anyone. Because despite your attempts to ignore or awkward-out someone, you're still going to go home feeling sad and lonely. And you can't help that. It's human nature. The best advice I can give you is to toughen up, and not let it get to you. Which is a lot easier said than done. But basically, take a good look in the mirror, realize how awesome you are, and move on with your life because there's a whole lot more than adolescent couch activities that you should be worried about.