ATTN: Doctors Don't Actually Do Anything

Many people have asked me, "Jordan, why do you hate doctors so much?" And I look at them with an incredulous stare because in my mind, how can you not hate doctors? It's not so much as I hate them as a person. That, of course, is dependent upon the individual. What I hate is the incessant need to make my life Hell, and then not give me any answers. I've had many interesting experiences at doctor's offices, and therefore I've decided to share with the world why doctors actually are the most frightening people in the world.

Most people see doctors as this -

The guy on the left looks like he's up to something shady.

Or this...

If you aren't terrified of him, you obviously don't watch enough television. But at least he gets the job done.

And sometimes people see doctors like this...

If my doctors looked even romotely like this, I'd go in for physicals more often... but if they look like this they are not to be trusted as they probably moonlighted as a male escort to put themselves through med-school.

This however, is how I see doctors.

"I know you just came in for a common cold, but it's necessary that I cut you open, you know, just to make sure."

That's the thing. They make you suffer even more than you already are. First you wait in the waiting room with a kid who has snot running down his face, and an old man with some kinda pulsating bump on his neck. Sure they try to be nice as they take your temperature and weight, and tell you that you're underweight - again - like it's a bad thing. Sorry I don't eat enough pizza, bro. I'll get right on that.

Truthfully, I get extremely anxious and nervous every time I go into a doctor's office. The minute I walk in I feel my entire body tense up. It's an involuntary reaction that I think stems from when I was little and they always had to have 3 nurses hold me down and shove sticks down my throat while I cried to them for mercy. Mercy was never given, and it made my throat feel worse. This anxiety makes me very sarcastic and jittery. Sudden movements are not a good idea, and they always think I have some sort of heart issue because when they put the cold stethoscope on my chest my heart is suffering from rapid spasms of terror. It is at this moment that I think they can see right through me. They know that they can scare me even more with their threats of needles and rubber gloves. The cotton balls don't fool me either - they are probably used to muffle the sounds of screaming victims.

They then ask a series of repetitive questions, like they didn't believe me the first time when I described my symptoms. Nope, I lied about my sore throat and stomach ache earlier just for kicks and giggles, wasting your and my time. It's not even that they ask questions over and over again, but the way in which they ask them.

Example questions and my remarks:

"I'm going to need you to give us a urine sample. Could you please pee in this cup?"  - No. I can't. Without prior warning for this visit, I peed before I came in and now I have to sit in the bathroom with the faucet running for 20 minutes while I try to pee in a cup with no aim talent. It's a mess in your bathroom now, but that's not my problem anymore.

"I'm going to need you to take off your shirt so I can do a breast exam." -But you haven't even taken me out to dinner yet. This is all going so fast. I'm not that kind of girl.

"I'm going to take a look at your privates now. It's okay. I'm a doctor." - That's precisely why it's NOT okay. I did not come here to get molested, but you're going to do it anyway. Yup. You just went there. 

"You haven't gotten your HPV shot yet? You should really do that. I would have done it if it were around when I was younger. It's important for when your husband cheats on you, you don't get cervical cancer." - Um did you just say "when"? Not "if". "When". Sorry your husband cheated on you honey, don't bring your problems to work. That's unprofessional.

"There's really nothing we can do about it, just go home and sit it out until you feel better. Get lots of sleep." - Ok... I just sat in this room for over an hour on a Saturday getting my throat raped and my finger stabbed like it was in a gang war and that's really all you can tell me... you don't know what's wrong with me? So glad I came in to see you. This has been a productive use of both my time and health.

"You're NOT sexually active?! -skeptical glance-" - I know I'm hot. Doesn't mean I'm getting any. Boys run away from me screaming, and as much as you have tried to convince me for the past 6 years that that is going to change, as far as I can tell I repel every man I touch so... riddle me that doc.

The list could go on and on. I guess the main point is that I'm extremely dissatisfied with my doctors. They don't help anything. Ever. And I'm still feeling crappy after a week of visiting the doctor twice and talking on the phone with them extensively once. FIX ME.

Le End Rant.