How to Avoid Being a Third Wheel

Disclaimer: This post is full of adolescent angst and activities, which could potentially gross people out. But really, we've all been there.

The title of this blog should actually be, "How to act in situations in which you are a third wheel because it will undoubtedly happen in your life, some more than others." But I thought that was a bit wordy. Honestly, being a bit awkward and third wheelish is something completely unavoidable in life. And if you're me, it happens on a regular basis as three of my best friends all have fairly serious relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've played this role so many times that I've actually become comfortable being the awkward tag along with nobody to hold hands with. It's kind of my forte, and I'm very good at it. Getting a boyfriend now would just break the cycle. Although, this is kind of what I have in mind for future reference...

This is me now. The awkward number of 3 basically just confuses everyone in the room. Regardless of how close you are to both couple participants. 

This is the future, when I meet the love of my life. And then we can go hang out with other couples and it will be one big awesome party. But unfortunately, this is not how life works. Not for me anyway. Again, forgive the sideways-ness. My scanner decided to hate me.

But to help those who are probably not as used to it as I am, I have broken it down into two options. First is to completely ignore the fact that there are people making out on the couch next to you. (This one takes a lot of will power) Second, is to just be so awkward that said couple feels even more awkward than you, thus giving you all the power in the situation. (This one takes a lot of skill, and an ability to make others awkward enough to a point where you don't feel awkward anymore.) Both of these, are going to take a lot of practice.

If you choose to ignore the situation, and just have a good time anyway, you're going to enjoy yourself much more than sulking about your single status. This is only made harder if PDA is involved. So let's say, said couple is making out on the couch next to you. What do you do? You don't want to spoil the intricacies of young love.  But you also don't want to get involved in the groping and spittle that is inevitably coming your way. If you're ignoring it. You think about ANYTHING other than what's going on next to you... whilst subtly scooting to the very edge of the couch without looking conspicuous.

So, here you are, being happy as a clam, thinking of butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns, whilst completely ignoring the dark mass of slurping going on right beside you. 

Now. The key to this option, is AVOID EYE CONTACT! I cannot stress this enough. You can't let them know it bothers you, and more importantly, you can't let YOU know it bothers you, because that's how you get all sad and depressed. Here are some examples of faces that you should NOT make at a couple when you are in this situation.

Face Number 1. The Creeper Face. Unless you want everyone to think your a perverted psycho... do not make this face.

It kind of says "Hey. I wanna play too!" Which is not what you're trying to convey. You're trying to convey subtlety people. SUBTLETY. 

Face Number Two: The Sad Puppy Lonely Pathetic Face. This one will only make you look needy. Needy is unattractive.

Never let them know you're weak!

Face Number Three: The Totally Disgusted, How Is That Even Remotely Sexy Face. This one will label you as asexual and terrified of cooties for like... the next three years.

Even the face kinda makes you wanna vomit doesn't it? 

My only advice to you ,if you choose to ignore the situation is to get a thick skin and learn how to block it out, because you love your friends and, despite some minor jealously, you are really happy that they have each other and are so happy. You can sulk later. When you're alone. But you're going to have to face the world again so get over it.

Now, if you choose a different route, which is being awkward beyond belief, this can be very fun. But you have to make sure that either your friends will still love you regardless of how awkward you are or make them feel, OR you don't care what they think of you, if they decide they don't want you to be near them again, that's their problem.

This tactic is my personal favorite. If you're going to be awkward, ignore everything I said above. Any of those faces are fantastic in an awkward situation. Except you have to stare at them long enough for them to notice you (which could be quite a while if they are really into whatever they're doing), and then hold that gaze even longer so that they get super creeped out. My personal favorite face is number one because it exudes creepy. Eventually they'll realize you're there and will stop shoving tongues down each others throats. (maybe) Let's see that face again shall we?

Picture yourself in their shoes. If somebody was staring at you like this while you were making out with your partner, wouldn't you feel a little weird? That's what I thought.

Another tactic I've used in the past, is asking to join. "Hey. Can I join you guys?" With a totally serious look on your face and in the most mono-toned voice you can muster.  In most cases, this will be enough to make them stop and realize they are being inappropriate... unless you have friends like I do who actually think you joining is an excellent idea... good luck getting out of that one. This one is only for experts because it can easily backfire.

Usually, all a couple needs is to be distracted from one another. So you have to somehow make yourself the center of attention. This could be anything from getting up and dancing like a monkey who just did speed, screaming the most random words you can think of, or ripping off all your clothes. (this last one, again, can easily backfire, so be careful). This tactic, however, is short lived, unless you have enough stamina to dance like a drugged-out primate for hours... because eventually the couple will get bored and go back to their previous activities.

DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!

The last resort is to just make awkward sexual jokes, which I will not repeat here. Most people do not want their sex life advertised (even if they're trying REALLY hard to advertise it on the living room furniture). So bringing it up in a nonchalant way could actually work really well to make them feel awkward... this one is dangerous though because you could either A. Hurt their feelings. or B. Get even more information than you ever needed to know. So again, this one is for the pros.

I realize now that this probably doesn't help anyone. Because despite your attempts to ignore or awkward-out someone, you're still going to go home feeling sad and lonely. And you can't help that. It's human nature. The best advice I can give you is to toughen up, and not let it get to you. Which is a lot easier said than done. But basically, take a good look in the mirror, realize how awesome you are, and move on with your life because there's a whole lot more than adolescent couch activities that you should be worried about.

Life and Love - They're intertwined

My last blog post about my enemy, the Sun, obtained many a praise from members of my family. (Sidenote: The sun won again when I went to the beach last week. Sun -2 Jordan -0)

I'm really close to my family (including extended family) and they are all very proud of me and I am extremely thankful for them and all of their support. But, in addition to my family's grandiose praise, I also received an abundance of compliments from people I had just met... because apparently a few of my proud family members have been sharing with people. (They were all very sweet and awesome, by the way, including the maid of honor at my cousin's wedding, who I need to track down somehow because she was REALLY nice and according to others is a lot like me, which automatically makes her cool. Plus she talked Harry Potter with me. Bonus! ...Anyway, I digress).

And all of this is super flattering. I didn't think I was THAT funny. The problem now is, I now feel a heavy anvil of pressure to be super impressive and funny all the time and pressure is not conducive to comedy. You can't force funny. It only makes you look like an idiot who tries too hard. Nobody wants to be friends with that guy.

So this time, to the dismay of those waiting for a comedic relief to their day, I've decided to write a more serious post because I've been completely inspired by my recent life to be super sentimental and insightful.

In the last ten-ish days, I've gotten to hold my best friend's 3 month old niece for the first time, attend a wedding, witness new love, attend a funeral, in addition to a birthday party for a friend from middle school. And being a part of all these levels of life has astounded me in a way that I can't even describe, and, honestly, I have no idea why I'm trying to in this post. The truth is, I've made a dent in discovering for myself what life is all about. And that is love.

Without love, we have no life. It is with love that the beautiful baby Gabby smiles at her aunt Kimberly. It is with love that Kim cares for her brother's baby as much as she does. It was love that brought us together to watch Michelle and Chris share their love with the world as they exchanged vows at their beautiful wedding. It's with love that I've been close to people and stayed in touch since middle school and are celebrating another birthday together, even though we all live in different states now. And it is with love that Helen left this world, leaving those who loved her in return to come together and celebrate her amazing and long life.

Stages of life like these would not be possible without the love of the people we share it with. Something was said at the church today that really resonated with me. It was that we as humans mourn and feel things such as pain and heartbreak, and it hurts. But it also means that you have loved somebody enough to feel that pain. If you have no heartbreak, it means you are deprived of this love. And even though it hurts like hell, you should feel good somewhere deep inside knowing that you are human, and are blessed with the capability to feel. Really feel something for another person. Whether that person is a family member, a lover, or a friend, you should feel accomplished in life knowing that you have cared for somebody and that they have cared for you.

It is with this that I vow to love as many people as I can, while living life to it's fullest, because you never know when you will be the one people are watching as you get lowered into the ground. And even though it will make me extremely vulnerable, and leaves me wide open to heartbreak, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. All the while knowing as much pain as I feel at that particular time, I felt 10 times more bliss prior. And I intend to take more notice of that bliss, because it's something that is too often overlooked.

To my friend's baby niece Gabby, good luck in everything you do. You have the whole world ahead of you.
Rest in Peace Helen, I'm sorry I didn't get to know you longer, but from the sounds of things, you lived a pretty amazing life.
Congratulations to Michelle and Chris, I wish you a lifetime of happiness and love.
Happy Birthday Claire, and many more to come ;)

The Epic Battle Between Myself, and the Sun.

I have not blogged in a while. I do have a lot to say at this current moment in my life, but let's keep it light and jolly shall we? Nobody needs to hear me angst and sulk about meaningless things, so instead I'm going to make fun of myself, because that's what I do best.

Every summer I have an epic battle. Like seriously epic. Picture Chronicles of Narnia battle... and times that by like 1000 (but remember to keep the cute boys involved...). That's how epic my battles are. And I don't battle with mere mortals, no way. My battle is with a giant gaseous being also known as the Sun. Hey, go big or go home right? It looks pretty much exactly like this...

The knight in armor is me. The sun has a unibrow and sketch moustache because he is evil. He also speaks with a foreign accent because that's what all evil dudes do in Disney movies.

Really, I don't hate the Sun. In fact the Sun has the ability to help me, seeing as I'm probably the whitest person I know and could use a tan. But I think the Sun and I have differing opinions in what a tan entails. And I know that the minute I spend too much time where the Sun can see me, he will undoubtedly attack without me knowing until much later when I get in the shower and see the splotches all over my skin.

This is one of my more scandalous drawings as I'm obviously naked in the shower cursing my arch-nemesis. The red splotches are my battle scars. My art astounds me sometimes.

So, you'd think by now I would learn from all these years of experience. But the problem is in my choice of weaponry. Unfortunately swords and sexy armor doesn't work on the sun.

And that is where me being a complete and total failure comes into play. Seriously, out of all the things I could be good at, sunscreen application is not a talent I possess. Regardless of the SPF factor or how fancy and "good for your skin!" it's supposed to be, I still can't put it on correctly and I miss spots. These spots become my weak spots. The Sun can detect them from miles and miles away. His powers far surpass my own and instead of a nice even tan, I end up with big splotches that make me look like I have some kind of weird skin disease and causes people to stare. I've had many an interesting encounter with sunburns over the years and every time it happens, I feel the Sun laughing at me, because we both know, he has won. Every freaking time.

My weird skin disease. Jordan - 0 The Sun - about 5 million

Boredom.

Just as a forewarning, the following is going to be about nothing as my boredom reaches its peak and I am now at that point in which I just start rambling.

I usually don't get bored very easily. I'm accustomed to keeping myself occupied as I'm extremely easily amused and have fun doing the most random things such as watching a movie I've seen a hundred times again or googling things on the internet. When boredom does occur, however, it occurs in four stages.

Stage one: Munchies and Facebook
When the first inkling of boredom arrives it's a feeling of "Hmm... my friends are busy, I have no money to go do anything, I'm still looking for a job, let's go stalk the lives of people who are far more exciting than me on Facebook and Twitter whilst eating chips!" I've decided to add crayon drawings because I'm THAT bored.

This my crayon depiction of me pretending to be surprised that girls I knew in high school are preggars or mothers now, and gorging myself on potato chips. Sorry it's sideways... I'll do better next time.

Orange Panties and Peeing in the Shower.

Now that I've successfully obtained your attention, I officially have three more days of classes and then a week of finals before moving back home for the summer. Honestly, I'm excited to move back home. Of course I miss my family and friends, that's a given. And I'm excited to get to see them this summer again. But there are a few things from home that I definitely took for granted. Here is a list of random things I never thought I'd miss but did:

1. My bed. Seriously. My bed at home is equivalent to Jesus. And my dorm bed is like some random homeless dude, smelling like urine and booze. Who would you rather sleep on? It's not so bad once you stop thinking about all the other people who have slept (and done a lot of other unmentionable things) on that mattress... Even with an eggshell cushion, a mattress cover, and my frequently washed sheets it feels super gross. So after a while I got over thinking about how icky it was, but it still doesn't make up for the fact that I think it punches my back/neck in my sleep. (Thank God for Megan who gives awesome massages by the way) So when I go home, I will have my beautifully comfortable, full sized bed and I will enjoy every minute of it.

2. Toilet Paper. I pay $20,000 a year, you'd think dorms would splurge on some 2-ply but alas, no. Every time I go home I'm like WOAH! This toilet paper feels AMAZING! So I'm looking forward to not having to wipe with some paper product pretending to be a luxury amenity. Sorry to say public toilet paper, you just don't make the cut. I'm voting you off the island. I'm starting to think that ridiculous commercial about the girl who brings her own TP to college isn't as ridiculous anymore.

3. Singing in the shower. Yes, I know I could do this in the public showers. Who's going to stop me? Public showering sure doesn't stop the girls and guys in my hall from belting out an High School Musical tune for everyone to hear. I just don't think it's the appropriate time. (also, the dancing/singing parties people decide to have in the showers? I don't get it. I prefer to shower alone. It's the only alone time I get and it barely even counts because I'm not alone) Which brings me to #4.

4. Alone time. In the dorms you are around people. ALWAYS. You don't get a minute to yourself. Even when you're alone you are surrounded by people. Walking alone, you are walking with 10 other alone people. When eating alone, you are in a dining hall or restaurant full of people. When you are using the toilet, there's a girl in the next stall invading your privacy. When you brush your teeth, the girl curling her hair is in your space. When you go back to your room, your roommate is there doing her thing. Don't get me wrong, I love people. I just want some time where I don't have to worry about bothering anyone or that somebody is staring at me while I do my personal hygiene routine. It gets really claustrophobic.

Despite all of that, I really loved my first year of college. And living in the dorms has been an important experience in my life, I just don't think I'd do it again. So here, I leave you with my advice and tips for anyone who lives in the dorms in the future. (This is mainly for you Sydney)

-Public showering is not that bad but make sure you securely adhere your towel to your body before leaving your room. Mine has never fallen off, but I know people who have... so unless you want everyone to see you naked, make sure you're good before making the trek down the hall.
-Wear flipflops in the shower ALWAYS. People pee in the shower. It's just a fact. Yes it's gross, but you move on, and wear the dang flipflops. Problem solved.
-In college you learn to adapt in weird ways, like brushing your teeth in the shower so you don't have to make the extra trip to the bathroom later, and eating/showering at really random times. You take what you can get and you consolidate time as much as you can.
-Although it's all-you-can-eat, don't try to eat everything in the dining hall in one night. You end up feeling like crap.
-Frat parties are stupid. And the thing is, I totally knew this going into college, but I went anyway. It's cheap booze and drunk guys trying to get laid. Which everyone knows. But they want to "experience it for themselves". So go for it. Pimp yourself out to get in, drink a cheap beer, and decide you're never doing it again, because the image of the girl wearing the bright orange panties is permanently lodged in your memory now. And not in a good way. You're welcome.

I probably have more but, that's mainly the gist of it. Hope you've enjoyed my dorm life rant. I would like to say there is parts I will miss, but no. I'm too excited for my apartment next year with my girls. And my own bedroom. BEAUTIFUL. Now to go study for finals.

Never Alone

If someone were to ask me what is the most important thing in my life, I would, without hesitation, say my family. My parents, my sister, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins, everyone. I went home this past weekend for my dad's 50th birthday party where a large majority of my family came to celebrate and party, and it hit me, as it has so many times before, that I wouldn't trade this for anything.

Anyone who has talked to me recently knows that last week was really rough. It's coming down to the wire here at school, therefore stress, hormones, and craziness are taking place. The minute I got home though, I felt one hundred times better. Nobody really had to say or do anything special. It was just the feeling of being somewhere where I knew that I wasn't being judged, and was being unconditionally loved that elated me.

I'm now back sitting in my dorm room, preparing to take on another week. Another to-do list. And I have this sinking feeling of loneliness, and I realize, the feeling of loneliness is always amplified immediately after you leave the place in which you are unconditionally loved. And it is for this reason that I didn't go out of state for school. I love school. I love being independent and on my own. But there just comes a time when you need to go back and be reminded that there is a group of people somewhere who loves you regardless of what you do or what you say or what color you decided to dye your hair this time.

I'm also glad that I'm able to be there for any one of them. Especially my sister who means the world to me and whom I got to see go to prom this weekend where she looked absolutely gorgeous in my dress from last year. It's good to be needed.

So, to my family, I love you all, unconditionally. I will always be here for you even if not physically, just as you are for me. Thank you.

Toleration is Timeless

I got into a little argument/discussion with a friend yesterday about the validity of Lady Gaga and what message she is sending to the world, particularly young women. I decided to dedicate this blog post to my beliefs and my everlasting admiration for Ms. Gaga and what she stands for. I personally love Lady Gaga. Not only because her music is catchy (which reminds me, I need to turn on a Gaga playlist for inspiration), or because she never ceases to surprise anybody (remember the egg?) but for the equality, kindness, and originality she stands so strongly for.

I recently saw a video where a fundamentalist Christian had parked himself in front of her concert, picket sign in hand, and when she approached him in her car she politely introduced herself and he rudely handed her a "get out of Hell free" card saying that "she is going to need that where she's going". She then told him that they better open up the gates, and tried explaining that they really do believe in God at her show. He called her a pervert because of her stance on homosexuality and told her she was raised in a screwy religion when she explained that she went to Catholic school for 13 years.

The ignorance of some people truly shocks me sometimes, and you can tell that Gaga was hurt by this, but instead of being upset, it motivates her to be stronger and more adamant about sticking up for what she believes in: equality for all people.

Now it shouldn't surprise anybody who knows me that I'm a huge advocate for gay rights, and have been known to call people out on the hurtful things they may say, and have gotten into plenty of arguments on behalf of my gay friends and neighbors. I believe that people shouldn't be judged based on their religion, race, sexual orientation, or gender. And the fact that Lady Gaga is so open about her beliefs and loving of everybody makes me love her even more. Out of all the celebrities out there who support equality, she's the one who always gets awarded or penalized for it and she takes it with such grace and stride it amazes me.

I look up to Lady Gaga. I know that her music and shows are highly sexualized, and she almost never wears pants. But that's who she is. And you can judge her for it all you want, but she's never going to change because of your judgment, and she encourages everyone, whether they be gay, straight, black, white, boy or girl; to just own who they are and not care about the judgment. Really that's all that life comes down to; Everyone is going to judge you at some point, and happiness comes when you realize that you can't do anything about it. That's why I've decided to try my best to ignore the judgments of others, be who I am, and there isn't a darn thing anybody can do about it. I'm going to embrace it and move on. And I have Lady Gaga to thank for that. :)

If you're interested in that video I mentioned earlier, here's a link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrOYFZwmMUM&feature=player_embedded and skip to about 2:40 because the beginning is long and really has nothing to do with my point. Hope everyone is having a wonderful day!