Every summer I have an epic battle. Like seriously epic. Picture Chronicles of Narnia battle... and times that by like 1000 (but remember to keep the cute boys involved...). That's how epic my battles are. And I don't battle with mere mortals, no way. My battle is with a giant gaseous being also known as the Sun. Hey, go big or go home right? It looks pretty much exactly like this...
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| The knight in armor is me. The sun has a unibrow and sketch moustache because he is evil. He also speaks with a foreign accent because that's what all evil dudes do in Disney movies. |
Really, I don't hate the Sun. In fact the Sun has the ability to help me, seeing as I'm probably the whitest person I know and could use a tan. But I think the Sun and I have differing opinions in what a tan entails. And I know that the minute I spend too much time where the Sun can see me, he will undoubtedly attack without me knowing until much later when I get in the shower and see the splotches all over my skin.
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| This is one of my more scandalous drawings as I'm obviously naked in the shower cursing my arch-nemesis. The red splotches are my battle scars. My art astounds me sometimes. |
So, you'd think by now I would learn from all these years of experience. But the problem is in my choice of weaponry. Unfortunately swords and sexy armor doesn't work on the sun.
And that is where me being a complete and total failure comes into play. Seriously, out of all the things I could be good at, sunscreen application is not a talent I possess. Regardless of the SPF factor or how fancy and "good for your skin!" it's supposed to be, I still can't put it on correctly and I miss spots. These spots become my weak spots. The Sun can detect them from miles and miles away. His powers far surpass my own and instead of a nice even tan, I end up with big splotches that make me look like I have some kind of weird skin disease and causes people to stare. I've had many an interesting encounter with sunburns over the years and every time it happens, I feel the Sun laughing at me, because we both know, he has won. Every freaking time.
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| My weird skin disease. Jordan - 0 The Sun - about 5 million |
I fight my own battle with the sun every year. I think my most epic war wound was the year I got a burn line on my neck in the exact shape of my pony-tail.
ReplyDeleteProblem is I don't tan. At all. It burns, then peels, then my brilliantly white skin heals, and I'm left to assume my calling in life should be a lighthouse. No ships would lost at sea if they followed the burning glow of my pasty white skin.
I totally know what you're talking about. Last year I burned so bad that I couldn't shower for like 3 days and then when I finally did I cried and couldn't put a towel on when I got out, so had to make the naked walk to my room... where my sister jumped in front of me trying to surprise me. She got more of a surprise than I did...
ReplyDeleteHhahahaha Jordan did i ever tell u about the time i put sunscreen on my moms back in the shape of handprints, so she had two little white handprints on a perfectly lobster red back? she was f'in pissed hahahahaha
ReplyDeleteWay to go Megan. One time syd didn't spread mine so my back looked like a spotted cow.
ReplyDeleteGirls we are white chicks and not meant to be in the sun. I feel your pain. I've been there and now at 47 i spend lots and lots of $$$ trying to heal the ravishes of the sun damage i did while young. It may not be what you want, but embrace your whiteness and protect that beautiful ivory skin you have. You will be the cougars while the tanned chicks look like Magna when they are 40!!! http://tinyurl.com/3ndrxk8
ReplyDeleteDid you just encourage me to be a cougar!? YESSSS. I love you Aunt Pamela lol
ReplyDeleteMy Dad says to take some advil for the next few days, as long as you aren't allergic to non-steroidal anti-inflammatory.
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