Mid-College Crisis

It's been quite a long time since my last blog post, mainly because this semester was absolutely crazy and I can't really think of anything to talk about. Honestly it's been really hard to put my thoughts into words lately - a problem I can't say I'm too familiar with. Finishing up my second year of college really got me thinking. College isn't exactly what I thought it would be. Partially that's a good thing. I've done a fairly decent job at avoiding anything that's going to get me into trouble. Actually, I don't think I could find trouble if I tried. This is precisely the problem.

I've gone 2 years through college and I don't really have much to say for it. Sure. I get good grades. I love what I'm studying. I have a decent paying student job. And my roommates and I get along way better than any 4 girls living in one house ever should. But do you ever get the feeling that maybe some things come too easy? That maybe, I'm way too comfortable with being an academic home body. I feel like my social life has stagnated, and the social butterfly in me is suffocating. For instance, today, I'm sitting at home, in my gym clothes, writing a blog that's doing nothing but complain. What worries me is that I don't really want to do anything other than this.

Perhaps this is coming from the fact that everyone is moving on around me. My best friend just moved to Wyoming permanently. Another best friend is now a father. And here I am, contemplating what it means to be a "grown up". Because what's supposed to look like this:

Actually looks like this:

And I suppose my new goal is to find something in between those. Wish me luck.

XOXO

ATTN: Doctors Don't Actually Do Anything

Many people have asked me, "Jordan, why do you hate doctors so much?" And I look at them with an incredulous stare because in my mind, how can you not hate doctors? It's not so much as I hate them as a person. That, of course, is dependent upon the individual. What I hate is the incessant need to make my life Hell, and then not give me any answers. I've had many interesting experiences at doctor's offices, and therefore I've decided to share with the world why doctors actually are the most frightening people in the world.

Most people see doctors as this -

The guy on the left looks like he's up to something shady.

Or this...

If you aren't terrified of him, you obviously don't watch enough television. But at least he gets the job done.

And sometimes people see doctors like this...

If my doctors looked even romotely like this, I'd go in for physicals more often... but if they look like this they are not to be trusted as they probably moonlighted as a male escort to put themselves through med-school.

This however, is how I see doctors.

"I know you just came in for a common cold, but it's necessary that I cut you open, you know, just to make sure."

That's the thing. They make you suffer even more than you already are. First you wait in the waiting room with a kid who has snot running down his face, and an old man with some kinda pulsating bump on his neck. Sure they try to be nice as they take your temperature and weight, and tell you that you're underweight - again - like it's a bad thing. Sorry I don't eat enough pizza, bro. I'll get right on that.

Truthfully, I get extremely anxious and nervous every time I go into a doctor's office. The minute I walk in I feel my entire body tense up. It's an involuntary reaction that I think stems from when I was little and they always had to have 3 nurses hold me down and shove sticks down my throat while I cried to them for mercy. Mercy was never given, and it made my throat feel worse. This anxiety makes me very sarcastic and jittery. Sudden movements are not a good idea, and they always think I have some sort of heart issue because when they put the cold stethoscope on my chest my heart is suffering from rapid spasms of terror. It is at this moment that I think they can see right through me. They know that they can scare me even more with their threats of needles and rubber gloves. The cotton balls don't fool me either - they are probably used to muffle the sounds of screaming victims.

They then ask a series of repetitive questions, like they didn't believe me the first time when I described my symptoms. Nope, I lied about my sore throat and stomach ache earlier just for kicks and giggles, wasting your and my time. It's not even that they ask questions over and over again, but the way in which they ask them.

Example questions and my remarks:

"I'm going to need you to give us a urine sample. Could you please pee in this cup?"  - No. I can't. Without prior warning for this visit, I peed before I came in and now I have to sit in the bathroom with the faucet running for 20 minutes while I try to pee in a cup with no aim talent. It's a mess in your bathroom now, but that's not my problem anymore.

"I'm going to need you to take off your shirt so I can do a breast exam." -But you haven't even taken me out to dinner yet. This is all going so fast. I'm not that kind of girl.

"I'm going to take a look at your privates now. It's okay. I'm a doctor." - That's precisely why it's NOT okay. I did not come here to get molested, but you're going to do it anyway. Yup. You just went there. 

"You haven't gotten your HPV shot yet? You should really do that. I would have done it if it were around when I was younger. It's important for when your husband cheats on you, you don't get cervical cancer." - Um did you just say "when"? Not "if". "When". Sorry your husband cheated on you honey, don't bring your problems to work. That's unprofessional.

"There's really nothing we can do about it, just go home and sit it out until you feel better. Get lots of sleep." - Ok... I just sat in this room for over an hour on a Saturday getting my throat raped and my finger stabbed like it was in a gang war and that's really all you can tell me... you don't know what's wrong with me? So glad I came in to see you. This has been a productive use of both my time and health.

"You're NOT sexually active?! -skeptical glance-" - I know I'm hot. Doesn't mean I'm getting any. Boys run away from me screaming, and as much as you have tried to convince me for the past 6 years that that is going to change, as far as I can tell I repel every man I touch so... riddle me that doc.

The list could go on and on. I guess the main point is that I'm extremely dissatisfied with my doctors. They don't help anything. Ever. And I'm still feeling crappy after a week of visiting the doctor twice and talking on the phone with them extensively once. FIX ME.

Le End Rant.

Why I get Irritated with the World

So, I'm about to open up a can of worms here, I know it. However, something has been bothering me all day and I need to write about it and organize my thoughts, because life is extremely confusing. I may offend some people, because they don't believe the same things I believe, which is fine. That's the beauty of America, we're allowed to believe what we want to believe, and nobody can say anything about it. But they can certainly try.

Today I experienced kind of a social experiment. Evangelist Christians are fairly common on our campus, although I don't really know why, they're kind of preaching to the choir to that particular audience to be honest. They stand there with their big signs, and sometimes megaphones screaming about their beliefs at the casual passerby or the people who have the time to stop and listen. Today I was a person who stopped and listened.

The things he was saying completely baffled me, and I fully admit I didn't agree with anything he said. Everything he said sounded really judgmental and condescending. Declaring that ALL college students are promiscuous, and ALL college students smoke weed, and ALL college students are drunken sinners. It irritated me that he would just assume that about everybody there, even though he didn't know any of them at all. I was willing to listen to him, keeping in mind that he has a religion, past experiences, and a passion for what he does, but what does he know about me or my personal life? Absolutely nothing. He stood there declaring that all humans are sinners and we need to stop right now, but he is human too so what things on his list of sins has he done? What makes him think God has forgiven him but not us? Is it because he's standing there declaring his opinion to the world? Is that what it takes to be forgiven? If that's the case, here's me declaring my opinion, just in case I need forgiving.

I believe that a relationship with your God, or whatever you choose to believe in, is a personal relationship, and you shouldn't shove it down people's throats because it's just going to irritate them. You shouldn't assume anything about people until you know them. You shouldn't tell people they're going to Hell for loving somebody who is different from who you love, smoking a cigarette, or getting drunk at a frat party. And you definitely shouldn't make claims such as (and I quote) "Most of the victims of the Virginia Tech shooting went to Hellfire." You don't know that at all, and those victims lost their lives in a tragic event that should not be criticized. I suppose he's going to blame God for those unfair deaths too.

Honestly, I don't want to believe in his God. If his God is going to tell me that people with different ideas, opinions, sexualities, vices, and weaknesses are going to Hell, then I don't want any part of it. My imagined God is a caring and kind friend who isn't going to judge me based on the human mistakes I have made, and will make throughout my life. He isn't going to shun my friends who are gay because they happen to like members of the same sex. He isn't going to reject my friends who go to parties and happen to partake in drugs or alcohol. He isn't going to send to eternal hellfire my friends who have sex before they are married. Instead, being all powerful, he will see the kind of person they are as I see them. And if they have done their best to be a good person, then that will be enough to get them into an afterlife if there is one.

I don't want to only criticize the evangelist, who was really, in retrospect, just talking about what he believes, but the people watching were getting angry and shouting things as well. And I'll admit, I wanted to yell something too, and I even laughed at a few of the come backs. These people are also entitled an opinion, but again, it's all in how you present something and some of these people were plain rude.

One honorable guy came over with a sign, he taped it to the fence behind the evangelist, and it said "I disagree with everything this man says, but I will defend to the death his right to say it." I wanted to give this guy a hug. We can be angry at the things people say, but we have to take a step back and realize that even if they may be closed minded, they have every right to say what they are saying, and if you just get angry and rude, you're being just as close minded - fighting fire with fire. 

So, all that being said, I guess I'll end with my own opinions and beliefs. A quote that best describes my religious ideals is this: “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”- Marcus Aurelius

He has a marble statue of himself and wears a toga, so... he obviously knows what he's talking about.

I, like Mr. Aurelius, feel like the most important things in life are to love and accept one another. If we only get one life and no afterlife, what kind of impact do you want to make? Personally, I don't want that impact to be me screaming at people, trying to force them to believe what I believe. You only make enemies that way, and I'd rather leave this world knowing I left a memorable and good impact on my friends and family.

10 Years Later

There isn't much I remember about the fourth grade. I was nine years old. My teacher was Mrs. McFadden. My best friend was Kari Fetrow. But besides the basics, the only two events I vividly remember was where I was on September 11th, 2001, and the untimely death of my grandmother. Why is it that we can so vividly recall pain, but not joy? I can't think of a single moment from the fourth grade where I was really happy, even though I'm sure I had my moments. Those things don't seem to stick with us as well.

Ten years is a long time to remember back, and it's interesting to see how much the world has changed (how much I have changed) and yet still some things seem to remain the same. As I sit here in my apartment at college, worried about my exams next week and my job interview tomorrow, I realize that I am really worrying about my future, and ten years ago I was probably doing the same thing. It makes me think of those involved in the twin towers. All of those people were worrying about the future just like I was/am. Worrying about their families, their car payments, what they're having for dinner that night, some of them got up in the morning with a specific goal that they never got to reach, and promises they never got to keep. Each of them had hopes, and dreams, and plans.

It's an incredibly sad thought, that these people promised their kids they'd be there to pick them up after school just like any other day, and then were forced to break that promise. But as America moves on, we move on for these people. We are still able to fight for them, for their promises, for their dreams. And it gives me strength to just move on for them, even though I didn't know anybody who was a victim personally. I feel like I know them, just by the criteria that we are all human, and we all should have the right to live, not in fear, but in hope for the future.

We need to thank our troops, regardless of your stance on the war, whom risk their lives every day to make sure we can fulfill our goals and promises. We need to thank the policemen and firemen who risked their lives that day, knowing that they may not make it. We need to thank the people who took the 911 calls, and consoled people in their last moments. And we need to thank ourselves, for being strong enough to move on, but not forget where we were that day, and what it means to be an American.

A Bucket List. By Jordan.

"And when they put me in the ground, I'll start pounding the lid. Saying I haven't finished yet. I still have a tattoo to get, that says I'm living in the moment." - Amanda Palmer

Oh Hi There. Bet you're surprised to see me here after all this time. Truthfully, I've been really inspired to write a blog multiple times over the past month, but I've been too gosh darn busy to actually act on it, and by the time I get around to doing it, I've lost my train of thought, and I'm left chasing after it like an idiot.


Anyway. Lately I've been thinking about all the things I want to do before I get too old to do them, and eventually die and am sad because I haven't done all the things I wanted to do. How can I be sad when I'm dead you ask? Um. It's just possible, alright? Question void. And it really discourages me that I may not be able to do some of these things in my life time. So here it is for all of you to see. And maybe we can fulfill them together! With rainbows and butterflies! YEAH!

BTW. These are in no particular order. Just randomly inserted when I think of them. 

1. Travel. The more I learn about the world, the more I really want to visit other places. Firstly, I'd love to travel the US more... because I've really only been to like 5 of the states. I really want to go to New York, Oregon, Washington, And pretty much anywhere on the East Coast. Then I would like to expand my horizons and visit Greece, Australia, Spain, Italy (particularly Pompeii area), and maybe Japan. I'd also go back to England, Scotland, or Ireland again in a heartbeat.

2. Fall in love. Once. Twice. Maybe even multiple times. As I've stated before, the human's ability to love is one of the most amazing abilities we have. And I want to love as much as I can while I can.

3. Get married. Have kids. The works. The one thing I know I want to do in my life without a doubt is be a mommy. Some people think that's really weird. But I've known I've wanted to do this since my motherly instincts kicked in when my sister was born. I just feel like I'd be good at it. I also feel like I'd be a really good girlfriend/wife if given the chance. After I get past all my awkwardness. But, alas, maybe I give myself too much credit. We'll see.

4. Get really super drunk. Just once. That way I'll never do it again (unless future me is an idiot), but will have had that experience, which I think most people experience at one point in their lives. May sound stupid, but I think it's important.

5. Get my heart broken. Ok now it just sounds like I want to do awful terrible things. But I think there is a lot to be said about a learning experience.

6. Get a tattoo. I don't know of what, but I would really like one that means something to me. I'd probably get it on my hip or on my ribs. I'd also be conquering my irrational fear of needles. Or am I afraid of doctors? I can never tell.

7. Be an inspiration to somebody. Maybe I already am. I don't know. I just want to know that I've truly touched the life of at least one person and possibly changed them for the better.

8. Have a high position within my career. My ideal job would be a production manager for a television program or newscast. Think Katherine Heigl in The Ugly Truth. I want to be in charge, respected, and look good in a pair of heels. Although, I'm pretty sure this goal may interfere with my housewife fantasy. I'll figure it out when it comes to it.

9. Get into working out. I did accomplish this... for like 2 months. I'd like to be one of those people who enjoys working out and makes time to do it. And does yoga on the weekends. I just want to be in better shape and be happier and healthier. It's not because I think I'm fat... but I would like to have abs... that would be nice.

10. Take an Art class. I've always felt like I was artistic, but lack faith in my artistic abilities. It'd be cool to get into that.

11. Take a pole dancing class. No judging. This just outright looks like fun. And seriously. Your upper body gets SO ripped. Seriously... look up pole dancing contests and stuff on youtube. It's pretty impressive.

12. Learn to play the piano. I really should have done this a long time ago. When I was a kid. Which is when most people learn how to play an instrument. But I was a dumb, shy child who didn't want to do anything. So I guess I'll make up for it later in life.

13. Live in a big city. Like Denver, New York, Chicago. I just love city life. And would like to do that for a few years. Preferably before the marriage/kids goal.

11. Get a Bernese Mountain Dog. They are freaking adorable. If you don't know what that is. Here's a picture. They are pretty big dogs. None of this little yappy annoying dog crap. Those don't count as dogs.

He says "Hello! I am your adorable fluffy friend and will never betray you!" Because dogs are obviously better than boyfriends. And they are also this adorable when they grow up too. Maybe I'll get a cat at some point too... but everyone knows dogs are better.

So um yeah. I'm sure there's more. I just wanted to get these out there. So you guys can hold me to them ;)

Lots of Loves!

UPDATE: AHHHH I totally forgot a super important one that I have wanted to do for years. And that would be Skinny Dipping. I'm always afraid of getting arrested though lol so if any of you have a safe place in which to do that. Let me know.

How to Avoid Being a Third Wheel

Disclaimer: This post is full of adolescent angst and activities, which could potentially gross people out. But really, we've all been there.

The title of this blog should actually be, "How to act in situations in which you are a third wheel because it will undoubtedly happen in your life, some more than others." But I thought that was a bit wordy. Honestly, being a bit awkward and third wheelish is something completely unavoidable in life. And if you're me, it happens on a regular basis as three of my best friends all have fairly serious relationships. Don't get me wrong, I've played this role so many times that I've actually become comfortable being the awkward tag along with nobody to hold hands with. It's kind of my forte, and I'm very good at it. Getting a boyfriend now would just break the cycle. Although, this is kind of what I have in mind for future reference...

This is me now. The awkward number of 3 basically just confuses everyone in the room. Regardless of how close you are to both couple participants. 

This is the future, when I meet the love of my life. And then we can go hang out with other couples and it will be one big awesome party. But unfortunately, this is not how life works. Not for me anyway. Again, forgive the sideways-ness. My scanner decided to hate me.

But to help those who are probably not as used to it as I am, I have broken it down into two options. First is to completely ignore the fact that there are people making out on the couch next to you. (This one takes a lot of will power) Second, is to just be so awkward that said couple feels even more awkward than you, thus giving you all the power in the situation. (This one takes a lot of skill, and an ability to make others awkward enough to a point where you don't feel awkward anymore.) Both of these, are going to take a lot of practice.

If you choose to ignore the situation, and just have a good time anyway, you're going to enjoy yourself much more than sulking about your single status. This is only made harder if PDA is involved. So let's say, said couple is making out on the couch next to you. What do you do? You don't want to spoil the intricacies of young love.  But you also don't want to get involved in the groping and spittle that is inevitably coming your way. If you're ignoring it. You think about ANYTHING other than what's going on next to you... whilst subtly scooting to the very edge of the couch without looking conspicuous.

So, here you are, being happy as a clam, thinking of butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns, whilst completely ignoring the dark mass of slurping going on right beside you. 

Now. The key to this option, is AVOID EYE CONTACT! I cannot stress this enough. You can't let them know it bothers you, and more importantly, you can't let YOU know it bothers you, because that's how you get all sad and depressed. Here are some examples of faces that you should NOT make at a couple when you are in this situation.

Face Number 1. The Creeper Face. Unless you want everyone to think your a perverted psycho... do not make this face.

It kind of says "Hey. I wanna play too!" Which is not what you're trying to convey. You're trying to convey subtlety people. SUBTLETY. 

Face Number Two: The Sad Puppy Lonely Pathetic Face. This one will only make you look needy. Needy is unattractive.

Never let them know you're weak!

Face Number Three: The Totally Disgusted, How Is That Even Remotely Sexy Face. This one will label you as asexual and terrified of cooties for like... the next three years.

Even the face kinda makes you wanna vomit doesn't it? 

My only advice to you ,if you choose to ignore the situation is to get a thick skin and learn how to block it out, because you love your friends and, despite some minor jealously, you are really happy that they have each other and are so happy. You can sulk later. When you're alone. But you're going to have to face the world again so get over it.

Now, if you choose a different route, which is being awkward beyond belief, this can be very fun. But you have to make sure that either your friends will still love you regardless of how awkward you are or make them feel, OR you don't care what they think of you, if they decide they don't want you to be near them again, that's their problem.

This tactic is my personal favorite. If you're going to be awkward, ignore everything I said above. Any of those faces are fantastic in an awkward situation. Except you have to stare at them long enough for them to notice you (which could be quite a while if they are really into whatever they're doing), and then hold that gaze even longer so that they get super creeped out. My personal favorite face is number one because it exudes creepy. Eventually they'll realize you're there and will stop shoving tongues down each others throats. (maybe) Let's see that face again shall we?

Picture yourself in their shoes. If somebody was staring at you like this while you were making out with your partner, wouldn't you feel a little weird? That's what I thought.

Another tactic I've used in the past, is asking to join. "Hey. Can I join you guys?" With a totally serious look on your face and in the most mono-toned voice you can muster.  In most cases, this will be enough to make them stop and realize they are being inappropriate... unless you have friends like I do who actually think you joining is an excellent idea... good luck getting out of that one. This one is only for experts because it can easily backfire.

Usually, all a couple needs is to be distracted from one another. So you have to somehow make yourself the center of attention. This could be anything from getting up and dancing like a monkey who just did speed, screaming the most random words you can think of, or ripping off all your clothes. (this last one, again, can easily backfire, so be careful). This tactic, however, is short lived, unless you have enough stamina to dance like a drugged-out primate for hours... because eventually the couple will get bored and go back to their previous activities.

DANCE, MONKEY, DANCE!

The last resort is to just make awkward sexual jokes, which I will not repeat here. Most people do not want their sex life advertised (even if they're trying REALLY hard to advertise it on the living room furniture). So bringing it up in a nonchalant way could actually work really well to make them feel awkward... this one is dangerous though because you could either A. Hurt their feelings. or B. Get even more information than you ever needed to know. So again, this one is for the pros.

I realize now that this probably doesn't help anyone. Because despite your attempts to ignore or awkward-out someone, you're still going to go home feeling sad and lonely. And you can't help that. It's human nature. The best advice I can give you is to toughen up, and not let it get to you. Which is a lot easier said than done. But basically, take a good look in the mirror, realize how awesome you are, and move on with your life because there's a whole lot more than adolescent couch activities that you should be worried about.

Life and Love - They're intertwined

My last blog post about my enemy, the Sun, obtained many a praise from members of my family. (Sidenote: The sun won again when I went to the beach last week. Sun -2 Jordan -0)

I'm really close to my family (including extended family) and they are all very proud of me and I am extremely thankful for them and all of their support. But, in addition to my family's grandiose praise, I also received an abundance of compliments from people I had just met... because apparently a few of my proud family members have been sharing with people. (They were all very sweet and awesome, by the way, including the maid of honor at my cousin's wedding, who I need to track down somehow because she was REALLY nice and according to others is a lot like me, which automatically makes her cool. Plus she talked Harry Potter with me. Bonus! ...Anyway, I digress).

And all of this is super flattering. I didn't think I was THAT funny. The problem now is, I now feel a heavy anvil of pressure to be super impressive and funny all the time and pressure is not conducive to comedy. You can't force funny. It only makes you look like an idiot who tries too hard. Nobody wants to be friends with that guy.

So this time, to the dismay of those waiting for a comedic relief to their day, I've decided to write a more serious post because I've been completely inspired by my recent life to be super sentimental and insightful.

In the last ten-ish days, I've gotten to hold my best friend's 3 month old niece for the first time, attend a wedding, witness new love, attend a funeral, in addition to a birthday party for a friend from middle school. And being a part of all these levels of life has astounded me in a way that I can't even describe, and, honestly, I have no idea why I'm trying to in this post. The truth is, I've made a dent in discovering for myself what life is all about. And that is love.

Without love, we have no life. It is with love that the beautiful baby Gabby smiles at her aunt Kimberly. It is with love that Kim cares for her brother's baby as much as she does. It was love that brought us together to watch Michelle and Chris share their love with the world as they exchanged vows at their beautiful wedding. It's with love that I've been close to people and stayed in touch since middle school and are celebrating another birthday together, even though we all live in different states now. And it is with love that Helen left this world, leaving those who loved her in return to come together and celebrate her amazing and long life.

Stages of life like these would not be possible without the love of the people we share it with. Something was said at the church today that really resonated with me. It was that we as humans mourn and feel things such as pain and heartbreak, and it hurts. But it also means that you have loved somebody enough to feel that pain. If you have no heartbreak, it means you are deprived of this love. And even though it hurts like hell, you should feel good somewhere deep inside knowing that you are human, and are blessed with the capability to feel. Really feel something for another person. Whether that person is a family member, a lover, or a friend, you should feel accomplished in life knowing that you have cared for somebody and that they have cared for you.

It is with this that I vow to love as many people as I can, while living life to it's fullest, because you never know when you will be the one people are watching as you get lowered into the ground. And even though it will make me extremely vulnerable, and leaves me wide open to heartbreak, I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all. All the while knowing as much pain as I feel at that particular time, I felt 10 times more bliss prior. And I intend to take more notice of that bliss, because it's something that is too often overlooked.

To my friend's baby niece Gabby, good luck in everything you do. You have the whole world ahead of you.
Rest in Peace Helen, I'm sorry I didn't get to know you longer, but from the sounds of things, you lived a pretty amazing life.
Congratulations to Michelle and Chris, I wish you a lifetime of happiness and love.
Happy Birthday Claire, and many more to come ;)